For my friends who are dealing with the unthinkable

How is supposed to feel when your child dies?

They say having a child is forever having your heart outside your body.

When you first learn that you are going to have a child–a million thoughts–joy, surprise, hope, fear, worry–on a repeating loop

Newborn

Worry that the baby will be born healthy

Worry that you will drop them

Worry that you will trip when carrying them

Worry that the umbilical cord isn’t healing

Worry that you aren’t producing enough milk, that they aren’t latching on

Worry that they aren’t pooping enough, or are pooping too much

Preschool

Are they learning their colors, shapes, numbers?

Are they a biter?

Will they ever be potty-trained?

Why are they obsessed with that color, story, stuffed animal, food?

School

Worry that they are making friends

Worry that they should be in a higher/lower reading class

Worry that they should be in a higher/lower math class

Worry that they are gifted

Worry that they are not

Sports

Are they having fun?

Are they trying?

Is the coach good?  Are the refs fair?

Does my child care?  Why don’t they care?

Will they get hurt?  Are they hurt?  What exactly is a growth plate?

Teens

Worry that they are fitting in

Worry that they are being bullied

Worry that maybe they are the bully

Worry that they will do the right thing and stand up when they witness an injustice

Adult

Will they apply themselves?

What path will they choose?

Will they make good choices?

Worry that they are good, strong, healthy, decent

Worry that they have faith

Does a parent ever stop worrying?

Does a parent ever feel that their child–no matter how grown, how old, how physically strong, how recognized in their chosen field or profession–is not still their baby?

Does a parent ever feel that their grown child is not still fragile, is not still in need of a hug, is not still a piece of their heart outside their body?

The parental instinct to protect your child is the strongest force in the universe.

And when the worst case, unthinkable happens and there is no protecting anymore, where does all the worry go?